so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize