I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
