new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
