i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
