i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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