I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
