The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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