If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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