I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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