I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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