I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
