Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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