Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
