That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
