I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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