Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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