I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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