If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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