the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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