Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
