he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
