Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
A+ Viking dick
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
