you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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