when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
