omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
