weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
She's like a pop up book from hell.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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