I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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