I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
