So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I will be naked everywhere
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
