T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
