You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
did you just send me my own nude
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize