Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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