Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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