Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
