Found your dick twin last night
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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