Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Still dying that you shit outside
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
