The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
