Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
