I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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