just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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