I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
