Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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