Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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