whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
