maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Do you have feelings for this penis?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
