I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
