I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
false alarm, still single
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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