I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
