The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
