I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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