4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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