I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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