you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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