Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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