Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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