I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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