i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i came on her dog
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize